The lie that killed me

An archive containing past featured spotlight works, what we consider, some of the best works on TPS. Feel free to leave comments.
Post Reply
scottguy
Regular Member
Regular Member
Posts: 53
Joined: March 11th, 2013, 10:43 pm

The lie that killed me

Post by scottguy » August 6th, 2013, 12:51 am

A Monster came in costume
As a woman at the door
I let her in not knowing
The tragedy in store

Sweetly whispered lies
Clever hidden truths
Webs of deceit were littering
The corners of my room

Slowly the woman ebbed
And the monster reared it's head
Blissfully I watched my world unravel
Denial in my head

Then came the harsh reality
A painful sudden stop
The thread by which I'd been holding on
Ended in a gallows knot

My choices laid before me
The monster screamed in rage
Pretty lies covered empty eyes
To put me in a cage

A knight in tarnished armor
His visor worn down low
Defended me and slayed the beast
His own life he laid low

Before his final breath had passed
I asked the knight his name
He removed his helm, to my surprise
our faces were the same

I finally understand
Just why I had to die
The woman was never the monster at all
The monster lived inside



ladymaybebaby
Elite Member
Elite Member
Posts: 5371
Joined: April 18th, 2012, 11:37 am
Location: dying in the heat and humidity that is New Orleans

Re: The lie that killed me

Post by ladymaybebaby » August 6th, 2013, 11:18 am

Wow, totally super cool work on this piece! I did not see that end coming... This piece was such a wonderful read. It engaged me as the reader, it was smooth, and you tell one hell of a great story and make it poetry at such a high level. Very impressive and so well done! Thanks for sharing your work with us!

-LMB
xoxo


Image

Dew and I want you in our posse! Just PM us!


My latest poem: viewtopic.php?f=9&t=42651

musie
Elite Member
Elite Member
Posts: 2716
Joined: April 14th, 2012, 11:56 pm
Location: The Heartland

Re: The lie that killed me

Post by musie » August 7th, 2013, 6:02 am

This was just simply perfection, in the tale telling, the formatting and rhythm and rhyme were spot on as is the Title...and the Twist ending truly astounding for the reader...This exceptionally written piece had me caught up in it from the beginning and each stanza brought a little more nuance of wonderment, what's going to happen next kind of feel...And excellent piece of tragedy writing IMHO...Musie


ImageImage

blueinferno07
Regular Member
Regular Member
Posts: 461
Joined: April 18th, 2012, 12:49 am
Location: Ennis, Tx.
Contact:

Re: The lie that killed me

Post by blueinferno07 » August 7th, 2013, 5:06 pm

How wonderfully creative! Rhythm and flow added nicely to this and kept my mind enraptured with your story as it came closer and closer to (as others have said) that awesome, awesome ending. If this piece is any indication, I'd say you certainly have a knack for grabbing your readers attention, cause once I started this piece not a bit of me wanted to stop. Excellent write!



User avatar
allmirth
Elite Member
Elite Member
Posts: 4578
Joined: April 18th, 2012, 5:20 pm
Location: Cajun Country

Re: The lie that killed me

Post by allmirth » August 7th, 2013, 5:35 pm

The unexpected twist at the end, raises this piece to a different level all together, leading the reader to ponder profound questions. Nicely penned.

Thanks for sharing.
Mirthy :smile:


Image

scottguy
Regular Member
Regular Member
Posts: 53
Joined: March 11th, 2013, 10:43 pm

Re: The lie that killed me

Post by scottguy » August 8th, 2013, 2:35 pm

Thank you for those kind words! I really do appreciate it very much. I wasn't sure if I was going to post it to begin with, there tends to be such a high caliber of work on here that I wasn't sure if it would live up to the standards set by other users/poets. I hope to continue to produce quality works for your enjoyment. :)



bandgeekfreak
Regular Member
Regular Member
Posts: 933
Joined: June 24th, 2012, 4:03 pm

Re: The lie that killed me

Post by bandgeekfreak » August 8th, 2013, 6:52 pm

This is a really effective way to write a poem, I love the plot twist at the end. Great poem, it was a nail biter, hooked me and kept me excited through the whole piece.


Image

scottguy
Regular Member
Regular Member
Posts: 53
Joined: March 11th, 2013, 10:43 pm

Re: The lie that killed me

Post by scottguy » August 11th, 2013, 12:17 am

Thanks again! I am really suprised by the reviews I have received. Your are too kind.



ciceromantic
Regular Member
Regular Member
Posts: 38
Joined: August 7th, 2013, 12:06 am

Re: The lie that killed me

Post by ciceromantic » August 11th, 2013, 1:13 am

A very narrative poem that was not trite with basic rhyme. Thank you!



User avatar
maggiebar3
Regular Member
Regular Member
Posts: 114
Joined: August 10th, 2013, 4:11 am
Contact:

Re: The lie that killed me

Post by maggiebar3 » August 11th, 2013, 6:22 am

this had my heart beating hard and fast, and wanting to devour the unread..


maggiebar3 ~ aka Janine

NLCE
Regular Member
Regular Member
Posts: 396
Joined: July 27th, 2013, 11:29 pm
Location: Pennsylvania

Re: The lie that killed me

Post by NLCE » August 17th, 2013, 12:08 pm

I couldn't stop reading it
And the ending just blew me away
I want to read it again
Thx for sharing this

NLCE


"COURAGE DOESN'T ALWAYS ROAR. SOMETIMES COURAGE IS THE QUIET VOICE AT THE END OF THE DAY SAYING, ' I WILL TRY AGAIN TOMORROW "' MARY ANNE RADMACHER

Image
ImageImage

User avatar
Larsen M. Callirhoe
Elite Member
Elite Member
Posts: 2075
Joined: April 17th, 2012, 11:23 pm
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio - USA
Contact:

Re: The lie that killed me

Post by Larsen M. Callirhoe » August 19th, 2013, 11:22 am

This is very impressive write especially how you sock it to the reader at the end. don't fret about the quality of poetry on this site. just be the best you can be. not everything works for the reader no matter what you write. About 13 years ago I started writing poetry and posting some cheesy work on defunct poetry sites, but I have stuck it out. really enjoyed. thank you for sharing.

victor


Victor Mike Lash~
Larsen M. Callirhoe~


Image

All My Poetry Works

Miscellaneous Pieces:
Visions of My Sanity.
Wrestling Gods

Oread
Regular Member
Regular Member
Posts: 18
Joined: August 17th, 2013, 9:52 pm
Contact:

Re: The lie that killed me

Post by Oread » August 19th, 2013, 1:29 pm

Wow, this was amazing good job :cry:



Notapoet
Regular Member
Regular Member
Posts: 292
Joined: June 23rd, 2013, 4:07 pm

Re: The lie that killed me

Post by Notapoet » August 19th, 2013, 1:31 pm

Awesome write, loved the ending! A real pleasure to read, thanks for sharing...


Some thoughts run deep Like a well
But for shallow minds
they drown in the depths.

User avatar
sparky21737
Elite Member
Elite Member
Posts: 1380
Joined: May 3rd, 2013, 5:31 am
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: The lie that killed me

Post by sparky21737 » August 19th, 2013, 11:12 pm

Wow this was amazing. The rhyme, the theme and the twist at the end. Couldn't stop reading it. Thanks for sharing


Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light ~ Albus Dumbledore

Sparky's Poetry

Oread
Regular Member
Regular Member
Posts: 18
Joined: August 17th, 2013, 9:52 pm
Contact:

Re: The lie that killed me

Post by Oread » August 20th, 2013, 9:02 pm

Wow beautiful imagery - a story inside a poem.



PCShogun
Regular Member
Regular Member
Posts: 98
Joined: May 21st, 2013, 8:21 am

Re: The lie that killed me

Post by PCShogun » August 23rd, 2013, 1:57 pm

Well done plot and story line. The ending was superb.


Image

Paralee
Regular Member
Regular Member
Posts: 472
Joined: April 13th, 2013, 9:19 pm

Re: The lie that killed me

Post by Paralee » September 1st, 2013, 8:22 pm

I loved it! Talk about inner reflection and outcome, this was incredible. Form was great, and you created an interesting plot right off that kept the eyes going forward on the words. I've had a dream or two like that in a way, good work. Paralee



BloodyTears
Regular Member
Regular Member
Posts: 91
Joined: August 31st, 2013, 9:36 pm

Re: The lie that killed me

Post by BloodyTears » September 8th, 2013, 12:29 pm

I can't really say anything the other's haven't said, but beautiful, captivating. Loved it.



search81
Regular Member
Regular Member
Posts: 311
Joined: September 18th, 2013, 2:52 pm
Location: Southwest Texas

Re: The lie that killed me

Post by search81 » April 20th, 2014, 5:56 pm

Wow great poem! Intersting that the most is one's self and one's self is a lie.



Post Reply